


Bound to You

by deangirlcnk80q3



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amnesia, Dreams, Episode: s07e02 Hello Cruel World, Episode: s07e03 The Girl Next Door, Fluff and Angst, Guilty Dean, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: s06e20 The Man Who Would Be King, Sad Dean Winchester, Sam Ships It, Season/Series 07
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-02 09:00:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6560209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deangirlcnk80q3/pseuds/deangirlcnk80q3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is overcome with guilt about not being able to stop Castiel from taking in all the souls from Purgatory.  He cannot stop wondering what he could have done to stop the angel from making the decisions that lead to his death.<br/>Dean knows he should be focussing on a way to free Sam from his hallucinations of Lucifer and to stop the Leviathans but he is consumed with thoughts of Castiel.<br/>Dean finally admits to himself what he has been denying for so long......and then the dreams begin.<br/>Meanwhile, a man with no memories begins to feel that he belongs somewhere else.....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One Last Prayer

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fic, please be gentle. Comments and constructive criticism welcome! :)  
> There is more to come. Please be patient with me!! :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean can't believe that Cas didn't come to him when he needed help. He can't stop thinking about the last angry words they exchanged. What else could he possibly say to turn Cas from the path he has chosen....??

_“Look me in the eye and tell me you’re not working with Crowley….You son of a bitch!”_

_"You don’t understand. It’s complicated.”_

_“No, actually, it’s not and you know that….When crap like this comes around, we deal with it like we always have….”_

_“It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?”_

_"I was there. Where were you?”_

_“I know what I’m doing, Dean.”_

_“Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest thing I have to family that you are like a brother to me. So if I’m asking you not to do something….you got to trust me….”_

_“I’m sorry, Dean.”_

Dean couldn’t take it anymore. The last conversations he’d had with Castiel kept reverberating through his skull. If he didn’t get out of Bobby’s house, he would start climbing the walls. He just started driving, taking random streets with no thought of a destination, hoping that the mindless direction would silence his thoughts. But it wasn’t working. The angry words he’d exchanged with Castiel would not stop repeating themselves in his head.

“Dammit, Cas!” Dean said in frustration, as he pounded his fist on the Impala’s steering wheel. “Why wouldn’t you just listen to me?” Dean started to breathe heavily as his anger at Castiel took over. He couldn’t believe that Cas had not come to him for help. Especially after everything they had been through.

“I need some fresh air,” Dean muttered, finding that he could not calm his breathing. He couldn’t remember a time with the atmosphere in the Impala felt so oppressive. He needed to get out. Up ahead, Dean saw a rest stop and pulled into the parking lot. He got out of the Impala and leaned against the door, trying to take deep breaths.

“ _Awesome_ ,” Dean thought to himself between gasps, “ _I can’t believe I’m having a friggin’ panic attack_!” He slowly slid down to the ground and leaned against the Impala, bringing his knees up to his chest and hanging his head. Dean could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He couldn’t believe he was reacting this way. After everything he had been through, why was this thing with Cas affecting him so much?

_You know why_ , came the answer, unbidden, from the part of him he had always tried to deny.

“No!” Dean gasped aloud, as he shook his bowed head, trying to silence the voice, “I can’t….”

_Yes, you can_ , the voice replied softly, _it may be the only way_ ….

Dean began to slowly calm his breathing as a flicker of hope began to grow. He raised his head and stared at the stars that were shinning in the inky, black sky “Cas,” Dean said softly, “I said I would do anything to stop you, but I didn’t realise that this was what I had to do.” Dean took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I know you feel like you have made the right choice, but you’re wrong. Crowley, the souls, Purgatory….it’s all wrong. We are the right choice. You, me, Sam and Bobby. Together. It’s all we’ve ever needed....” Dean paused and glanced back up at the night sky, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. “You are all I have ever needed, Cas,” he said.

“Sam is my brother and he will always be a part of me, but you…..you are the one who has seen my ravaged and twisted soul and still chose to rebel against Heaven for me. You gave up everything for me! Why can’t you give up this!?” Dean implored. “What else do I have to say to make you realise that I….I….need you, Cas,” Dean finished brokenly, as he let the tears fall, still not being able to admit what he really felt.

Dean sat quietly for a moment and then not knowing what else to do, rested his chin on his knees and closed his eyes.

As he did, Castiel appeared and knelt down in front of Dean.  Sensing something, Dean jerked his head up and looked around into the darkness. “Cas…?” he questioned, certain he could feel the angel watching him, “….are you here?”

Castiel didn’t move or speak, staying invisible to Dean. “I guess not,” Dean said, shrugging his shoulders. “Why did I think what I said would be enough for you to come to me this time?” he said bitterly, as another tear slid down his cheek.

Castiel tilted his head and reached out a hand towards Dean. All he wanted to do was brush the tear from Dean’s cheek and tell him what he had said was enough…..that he was enough. But he couldn’t. Castiel had chosen his path and could not stop now.

Castiel slowly took his hand away and stood up. He continued to watch Dean as he pulled himself together and made a move to get back in to the Impala. As Dean stood up, Castiel moved towards him and said softly, “I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean glanced around again, still feeling as if he was not alone. He paused for a moment, then shook his head and slid into the Impala. Dean started the engine but before driving off, gave one last look out the window hoping what he’d sensed was real….but there was no one there.

Castiel watched him go. All he wanted to do was fly to the Impala and tell Dean everything he had just prayed to him was what Castiel had been longing to hear….but he couldn’t. His choice was made and he had to see it through to the end. “I…..need you too, Dean,” he whispered into the night, as he watched the Impala’s tail lights disappear in the distance.


	2. Truth and Consequence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts of Cas consume Dean as he continues to suffer from the guilt he has felt ever since the angel died. He hopes that a mindless snack run will help him clear his head.  
> But when he finds himself in a familiar place, will Dean be able to admit to feelings he has been denying for so long.....?

_“Of course. Yeah. You just lost one of the best friends you ever had, your brother’s in the bell jar, and Purgatory’s most wanted are surfing the sewer lines, but yeah, yeah,_ _I get it. You’re – you're fine”_

_“Course, if at any time you want to decide that’s utter horse crap, well I’ll be where I always am. Right here.”_

Dean was sitting in the kitchen, watching Sam, who was still field-stripping his weapon. He had been at it non-stop for hours and Dean thought if he watched Sam go through the process one more time he would scream. Dean knew that Sam was doing what he could to cope with his hallucinations of Lucifer, but he wished he would find something else to occupy his mind.

“I’m going on a snack run,” Dean said to Bobby, who was in the kitchen with him.

“Are you sure you want to go out, Dean?” Bobby asked. “Maybe you should stay here with Sam and I could…”

“No, Bobby, I’m going.” Dean interrupted, glancing in Sam’s direction and lowering his voice, “I just gotta get out of here, okay? You can stay and be hypnotised by Sam’s never ending field-stripping for a while.”

Bobby stared at Dean, trying to figure out if there was another reason for Dean’s sudden urge to leave the house.  “Have you given anymore thought to what I said before?” Bobby asked. “I’m here if you need to….”

“C’mon, man, we’ve been through this already,” Dean said, getting irritated. “I’m _fine._ I only want to go get food and you’re acting like I’m gonna skip town or something.”  Dean ran a hand through his hair and sighed. 

“Look, Bobby. I just want to go for a drive, okay? Clear my head. Try and figure out what our next move is gonna be. Besides, we’re out of beer,” Dean said, trying to lighten the mood. “How are we supposed to save the world again without beer?” 

Bobby rolled his eyes at Dean, knowing he had lost the argument. “Fine,” he said, “You win. Just don’t be gone too long. We don’t know what’s happening out there.” 

“Yes, Dad,” Dean joked, pleased that Bobby had finally given in. “I’ll be back soon.  Just watch Sammy and keep him out of trouble.”

“Just git, Dean,” Bobby said. “What do you think is gonna happen in the time it takes you to go on a snack run…?” 

Dean raised his eyebrows, but before he could reply, Bobby said, “Wait, don’t answer that. Stupid question to ask a Winchester!” 

Dean laughed. “Yeah, didn’t think that one through, did ya old man?” 

“Old man?!” Bobby gave Dean a nasty look, before he smiled and waved his hand at Dean. “Go on, get outta here, ya idjit!” 

“Okay, I’m goin’,” Dean said, holding his hands up in surrender. “Catch you later, Sammy,” he called to Sam in the living room. Without looking up, Sam grunted at Dean and kept stripping his weapon.

“Yeah, I’ll miss you too, brother,” Dean said sarcastically, shaking his head. When he got back, he would have to do something about Sam’s obsessive behaviour. 

As he walked toward the door, he glanced back at Bobby, who was now blankly watching Sam. “Told you it was hypnotic,” Dean joked. “Don’t let him turn you into a chicken!”

Bobby dragged his gaze away from Sam and glared at Dean, “Out!” he said loudly, pointing at the door.

“Okay, okay,” Dean said, smiling. “I’m gone!” 

As Dean left the house and got into the Impala, his smile faded. He started the car, drove out of the salvage yard and onto the road. He really did need to get out of the house, but it wasn’t to try and figure out what the Leviathans were up to. Every time Dean thought of them, he thought of Cas. He couldn’t believe that Cas was really gone.

Dean could never tell Sam and Bobby, but he spent nearly every waking moment trying to figure out if he could have done something different or said something different to stop Cas from cracking Purgatory. If he had, Cas would still be alive and Sam’s wall would still be up.

The guilt he felt was almost overwhelming. But it wasn’t just about what he could have done differently. He mostly felt guilty about the fact that instead of trying to figure out a way to help Sam, all he could think about was Cas.

When they thought all the souls had been returned to Purgatory and Cas said he was going to redeem himself in Dean’s eyes, Dean couldn’t find it within himself to believe him. But if Dean had known that was the last moment they would have together….

Dean had been furious with Cas for conspiring with Crowley, for lying to him and for what he had done to Sam. Not to mention everything he had done when he declared himself “God”. But now Cas was dead and no matter how hard Dean tried he couldn’t hold onto that anger anymore.

And that was when the guilt kicked in. How could he not be angry at Cas when, because of him, Sam was having hallucinations of Lucifer and could hardly figure out what was real and what wasn’t? 

It was up to him to look out for his little brother and find a way to help him, but his thoughts were consumed with Cas. Dean couldn’t shake the feeling that if he had just done something _else_ before Cas had taken in the souls, they wouldn’t be in this mess. 

Dean realised that he had been driving aimlessly again. He took note of his surroundings and saw that he was almost at the same rest stop he drove to on the night he’d prayed to Cas.

“ _What the hell?”_ Dean thought to himself. He’d had every intention of driving to the nearest Gas ‘N’ Sip, picking up supplies and then driving back to Bobby’s.

But instead of driving past, Dean found himself pulling into the parking lot. He turned off the engine and sat for a moment, looking out the window. He hadn’t noticed it the last time he was here, but the rest stop seemed to be in the middle of nowhere.  There were no houses nearby and the place was utterly deserted.

Dean couldn’t believe he had come so far out of his way, twice now, without realising it. He got out of the Impala, walked around to the back of the car and leant against the trunk.

Maybe it was just the need to be alone for a while that brought him here again?  Even though he hadn’t intended to pray to Cas that night, Dean _had_ wanted to be alone.

But….no. This time was different. The more he thought about that night, the more he remembered the feeling of _not_ being alone. Maybe that was the reason he found himself here again. Dean had sensed something that night, but hadn’t trusted the feeling.

With all of these thoughts running through his head, Dean didn’t notice he had opened the trunk of the Impala. He looked down at his hands and saw that he was holding Cas' trench coat.

“Oh, Cas.” Dean said softly, realising that he had taken the trench coat out of the trunk without even being aware of it. Dean held the coat for a moment and then instead of putting it back in the Impala, took it with him as he sat on a bench under a nearby oak tree.

Dean ran his hands over the trench coat and remembered how it had looked on Cas. Smiling wistfully, he also thought about how the angel had always worn his tie backwards. On anyone else, that would have looked ridiculous, but on Cas it just looked….like Cas.

Dean closed his eyes and recalled the first time he had seen Cas. When the shadow of his wings appeared behind the angel, Dean had been mesmerised, although he wouldn’t admit it to anyone, then or now. Dean had covered up his wonder with insults. But, come on, he’d just been yanked out of Hell by an Angel of the Lord who was dressed in the visage of a holy tax accountant. It had all been a bit overwhelming.

Dean opened his eyes and smiled sadly. Cas had tried to use his real voice to communicate with him after he’d busted out of his coffin, but at the time he hadn’t understood. After everything they’d been through, Dean wondered, would he be able to hear Cas’ angelic voice, or see his angelic form now…..if he was still alive?

The flapping of wings startled Dean. He looked up and saw a bird sitting in a nest above him. 

“You scared me, bird” Dean said, with a small laugh, “I thought I was alone….” He trailed off as he suddenly remembered what he’d been thinking about before he'd unconsciously taken Cas’ trench coat out of the Impala.

“I thought I was alone…” Dean repeated to himself, finally realising what it was that had brought him back here, to this place.

“I knew it wasn’t my imagination the night I was here.” Dean said aloud, wishing Cas could hear him. “I knew I wasn’t alone. I could sense you were with me, I knew it in my heart.” He gripped Cas’ trench coat and shouted, “You were _right there,_ Cas. Why didn’t you show yourself, you son of a bitch?!” Dean felt hot tears behind his eyelids but refused to let them fall.

Frightened by the sudden noise, the bird that was nesting above Dean flew away.

As it did, a feather came loose from its wing and floated to the ground. Dean picked it up and studied it. The feather was black and glossy and seemed very delicate now that it was separated from its wing. Dean gazed at it and wondered what Cas’ wings had actually looked like, what they had actually felt like….

Dean let the feather drop back to the ground as his tears began to fall, landing like tiny raindrops on Cas’ trench coat.

“It’s all my fault, Cas.” Dean whispered. “You asked for my “love” when you believed you were God and that just made me realise that if only I had done what I should have in the first place, maybe everything wouldn’t have turned out this way.” Dean took a shaky breath and smoothed out the creases in the trench coat from where he had been holding it tightly.

“That night I prayed to you, I still couldn’t do what I needed to and now it’s too late. I want to blame you for not showing yourself. I want to believe that was the reason I couldn’t do what I had to, but that would be a lie. I should have told you this a long time ago…” Dean’s voice caught, as he prepared himself to say what he had been denying for so long.

“I know it’s too late now but….I love you, Cas” Dean said softly, as his tears continued to fall, “I have for a long time and now you’ll never know.”

Dean looked up at the cloudless sky, thinking of how the colour reminded him of Cas’ intense blue eyes. Eyes that always seemed to see straight into his soul. Eyes that he would never see again.

Dean didn’t know how long he sat there, holding Cas’ trench coat, but he was jolted out of his despair by the ringing of his phone.

“Hey, Bobby,” Dean said, pulling himself together.

“Dean!” Bobby shouted into the phone. “Where the hell are you?”

“Calm down, Bobby. There’s no need to shout.” Dean said, holding the phone away from his ear. “I, ah, just took a little detour. I’m on my way back now.”

“Just a little detour! You’ve been gone for hours!” Bobby said, angrily. “I told you not to be gone for too long…I was starting to get worried, boy. Get your ass back here, now!”

“Alright, I’m on my way. Jeez, don’t get your panties in a bunch.” Dean said as he hung up the phone, managing a small smile as he imagined the look on Bobby’s face.

Dean’s smile disappeared as he put his phone away. He wished he could talk to Sam and Bobby about what he was feeling, what he had just admitted to, but he couldn’t. Dean had to put his “no chick flick moments” persona on in front of the only two people he had left in the world. The only family he had left.

Dean knew he had to be strong for them. To make up for all the mistakes and bad decisions he continued to make. Especially for Sam, who had been affected the most by Dean’s inability to admit his feelings for Cas.

 _I will figure out a way to fix this, Sammy_ , he silently pledged to his brother, _I promise_.

As he got up from the bench, Dean bent down and picked up the feather again.  Gazing at it, he thought about the angel he lost, the angel he loved.

Dean walked over to the Impala and put Cas’ trench coat and the feather into the trunk. Before getting into the car, he looked up at the sky once more.

“I love you, Cas,” Dean said again, his voice breaking. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner….you deserved to know.”

Dean sighed and slid into the Impala. He started the engine and with one last look out the window, drove away.


	3. In Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is sure Dean is hiding something and comes to believe it may be about Cas. As usual Dean won't talk about it and is more worried about his little brother.   
> Eventually an exhausted Dean sleeps....and dreams.
> 
> (I suck at summaries!!!!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took awhile, but here's the next chapter. I hope the next one doesn't take me as long to write :)

_“Hey, Sam, how you doing?”_

_“Fine.”_

_“I mean, you still, you know….”_

_“Yeah, no, I – I know what you mean. Yeah, I’m – I’m still seeing crap that’s not real. But, yeah, I’m fine. I mean, I can tell the difference.”_

_“Think it’s getting better?”_

_“Honestly? I don’t know. I just know I’m managing it, so don’t worry.”_

_\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_So don’t worry…._ Dean thought to himself. _Yeah, right_.

Sometimes he couldn’t understand his little brother. Who did he think he was talking to? All Dean did was worry. Especially about Sam.  Everything had gone to Hell over the past month and the fact that he was still laid up with a broken leg, did nothing to help Dean’s mood. All he did was sit on the couch, eating, drinking, watching Spanish soap operas and, oh yeah, worrying!

Sam said he was fine, that he was coping, but Dean didn’t believe him. He kept waiting, wondering when the other shoe was going to drop. And it didn’t help that he still felt that it was all his fault. In the end, the worry and guilt just fed off each other until Dean didn’t know which was worse.  He felt useless, just sitting on the couch, not being able to actively help Sam and Bobby with their new Leviathan problem. All it did was give him more time to question everything and wonder _what if…._

It may have happened weeks ago, but what Dean had confessed to himself about Cas was still fresh in his mind. He had hoped that admitting his love for the angel would have helped ease his guilt, but it hadn’t. Dean didn’t take the chance to tell Cas how he felt while he was still alive and thoughts of what might have been were a crushing weight on Dean’s soul.

_My soul_ , Dean thought sarcastically. It hadn’t been worth saving. _He_ hadn’t been worth saving. He was just brought back to be a pawn in the archangels’ quest for power. And Cas….Cas had been the one who had been tricked into descending into Hell to save his twisted soul. The best thing to do would have been to leave him down there where he belonged and none of this would be happening.

“Hey, Dean….Dean!”

Dean dragged himself back to reality and glared at Sam.

“What? What’s your problem?” Dean asked angrily

“You zoned out there for a minute.” Sam replied. “I’ve been trying to get your attention. You’ve been mumbling to yourself, dude.”

“So, what’s the big deal? You think you’re the only one who can act crazy?”

“C’mon Dean, calm down.” Sam said, exasperated. “I was just wondering if there was something bothering you….”

“For crying out loud, Sam!” Dean interrupted. “Just because I asked you how you were doing doesn’t mean you get to return the favour.”

Sam sighed. “That’s not what I’m doing, Dean. You’ve been acting weird for a while now, don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

“Noticed what?” Dean asked. “I thought you were _just managing_ your hallucinations. When do you have the time to notice what I’m doing?”

“I feel you watching me all the time, Dean.”

“Oooh kinky, Sammy.” Dean said, raising his eyebrows at this brother.

“Shut up and listen, Dean!” Sam said, getting irritated. “What I mean is, I can always feel you watching, waiting for something to happen. Then all of a sudden that feeling goes away and I’ll look over at you and you seem, lost somehow. Like you’re not even in the room anymore.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Talk about melodramatic. Where do you get this stuff from, Sam?”

“Dean, be serious for once.” Sam said. “I’m your brother. I know when there’s something wrong. You act tough, but I can see straight through you.” Sam paused, “Ever since Cas died…..”

“Don’t you dare, Sam!  I don’t want to talk about Cas!“ Dean shouted and turned his back to Sam.

Sam looked at his brother in shock. He knew Dean had taken Cas’ death hard, even after everything Cas had done, but this was unexpected. Something must be very wrong for Dean to be acting like this.

“I….I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean….”

Dean took a deep breath and turned back to Sam.

“I’m sorry, Sammy. I….I just can’t talk about Cas right now, okay.” Dean’s eyes were filled with pain. “Just thinking about him makes me so….angry.” Dean lied, upset with himself that he couldn’t even tell his own brother the truth.

“Okay, Dean,” Sam said, still stunned by Dean’s outburst. “You know I’m here if you need to talk, right? I mean, about anything else.” Sam prepared himself for a classic Dean comeback.

Instead, Dean smiled softly at Sam and said, “Yes, little brother, I know. But you got enough to worry about. Don’t concern yourself with me. I’ll keep fighting as long as you do.”

“Of course I will, Dean.” Sam said, frowning. “I’m not giving up. Why would you….”

“Alright, enough talk.” Dean interrupted, waving a hand at Sam. “I’m goin’ to catch some shut eye. No joyriding in Baby while I’m asleep.”

“Sure, Dean.” Sam said, smiling, “Whatever you say.”

Dean gave Sam his best _do what your big brother tells you, or else_ look and then turned away.

Sam’s smile faded as he watched Dean make himself comfortable on the couch and close his eyes. Dean must have been exhausted because it wasn’t long before his slow, even breathing told Sam he was asleep.

Sam knew that Dean was hiding something, but he never would have guessed it had to do with Cas. And from Dean’s reaction earlier, it didn’t seem as if it was _anger_ at Cas that he was hiding. Sam had seen the look of anguish on his brother’s face. There was something else going on and Sam wished he could figure out what it was. And now he wondered - was it Cas that Dean was thinking about when he didn’t have his attention focussed on Sam?

_Why can’t you tell me what’s wrong, Dean_? Sam silently asked his brother.

Seemingly in answer to his question, Dean shifted on the couch and spoke in his sleep.

“Cas....” Dean breathed.

Sam’s eyes widened at the way Dean spoke Cas’ name. Even though Dean was asleep, there was no denying the emotion Sam could hear in his brother’s voice.

Before Cas died, Sam knew there was something powerful behind his brother’s friendship with the angel, but Sam now realised that there was more to it than he thought….

Sam continued to watch Dean sleep, wishing he knew exactly what his brother was dreaming….

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean was dreaming, but he didn’t know it.

In his dream, Dean was outside, sitting on a bench in some random park and it was dark. It was quite pleasant actually, nobody around to bother him, no one asking how he was. Dean gave no thought as to why he was sitting alone in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night. He just felt calm as he sat there, staring up into the star filled sky.

But all that changed in an instant. Dean suddenly remembered the last time he sat on a bench in some random park, looking up at the sky.

“Cas…..” Dean said emotionally, as he tore his gaze away from the sky and stared at the ground. “I miss you, angel.”

Dean closed his eyes and tried to ignore the ache that had just enveloped his heart. He took a few deep breaths and the sensation slowly subsided.  After a time, the calm he had been feeling earlier started to return and the memory of losing Cas began to fade away.

Dean opened his eyes and found himself staring up at a sky that was becoming a vivid blue as the darkness faded away. Dean was briefly alarmed, but the feeling was gone as quickly as the blackness had ebbed away. He was just glad it was gone. Darkness only seemed to bring sorrow and pain although, at that moment, Dean didn’t know why he believed that.

Dean sat quietly for a while and watched birds chase each other through the sky. Suddenly, he heard a noise behind him. The flutter of angel wings.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean smiled as he heard the familiar voice behind him.

“Hey, Cas, where have you been?” Dean asked, turning around to look at the angel. At his question, Dean thought he saw an odd expression flicker over Cas’ face. “It seems like ages since I last saw you.” he continued, deciding he had just imagined the look, as Cas regarded him with his usual intensity.

When Cas didn’t answer him, Dean steadily returned his gaze, trying to get the angel to look away first. But Dean should have known he could never win a staring contest against Cas. The power of the angel's grace always seemed to shine from behind his penetrating blue eyes, making it seem as though he could see right into Dean’s soul.  

_Where did that come from?_ Dean thought to himself. He started to feel light headed and broke their look by turning back around on the bench.  

“Okay, Cas, you win.” Dean said, surprised to find mouth was dry and he felt like he was blushing.

“Win what?” Cas asked, confused.

Dean couldn't help but smile. Just like Cas to have no idea. “Nothing, Cas. Don’t worry about it.” 

Cas had not moved and Dean could feel the angel's eyes on him.  His smile faded as he wondered what was happening.  Being alone with Cas had never made him feel like this before.   

“Why are you still standing there anyway?" Dean asked nervously, trying to hide the tremor in his voice. "You can sit down you know."

After pausing for a moment, Cas walked around the bench and sat down beside Dean.  Whereas before he couldn’t seem to take his eyes off Dean, now he stared at the ground, unable to look him in the eye. Something wasn’t quite right, but Dean couldn’t figure out what it was.

“What’s wrong, Cas?” he asked, touching the angel's shoulder to get his attention.

Cas seemed startled by the contact, as he finally looked at Dean.

“Nothing’s wrong, Dean,” he said. “I was just thinking.”

“It must be some thought,” Dean said, smiling at Cas even though he was starting to feel anxious. Cas was acting strange and he couldn’t shake the feeling that something weird was going on.

Cas didn’t smile back as he said to Dean, “I was just thinking about the first time I saw your soul in Hell.”

“Ah, that _is_ one hell of a thought, Cas.” Dean said, surprised. “Why, uh, what made you think of that?” he asked hesitantly, not sure he really wanted to know the answer.

“It was so twisted and broken after all the years you tortured souls for Alastair.” Cas said, as if he hadn’t heard Dean’s question. “But underneath that traumatized surface was a light that shone with such purity and strength it revealed to me who you really were.” Dean’s heart skipped a beat as Cas tilted his head and regarded him with his penetrating blue eyes. “You were not a shattered soul that didn’t deserve to be saved, no matter what you believed. You _were_ worth fighting for, Dean….you were worth _dying_ for.” Cas said, passionately.

A small voice inside Dean was telling him that the emotions he was sensing from Cas weren’t real, that they weren’t part of the friendship they shared. But the voice was drowned out by the pounding of Dean’s heart as he gazed back at Cas, overwhelmed by the words he had just spoken.

“You never told me that before, Cas.” Dean said softly, moving closer to the angel.

Cas put his hand on Dean’s bicep where his handprint used to be. Dean could feel his skin tingling at the touch, even though there were layers of clothes between Cas’ hand and his skin.

“I never felt comfortable telling you before,” Cas admitted. “It never seemed to be the right time.”

“What makes this the right time?” Dean asked, closing his eyes as the tingling sensation began to flow through his body.

“I don’t know, really. I guess I just wanted you to know, just in case….” Cas trailed off, unable to finish.

Dean’s eyes flew open. “Just in case, what?” he asked fearfully.

“Nothing, Dean. It doesn’t matter.” Cas said. He let his hand slip from Dean’s arm. The warm feeling that had been enveloping Dean rapidly disappeared, leaving him numb.

“Cas, you’re scaring me. Please tell me what’s wrong!” Dean implored.

“I’ve been selfish.” Cas said sadly, ignoring Dean’s plea. “I should have stayed away. It was better when I was gone.”

“Gone? What do you mean, gone?” Dean asked, confused. “Cas, you’re not making any sense. I don’t understand….”

“I meant to make it better, but instead I’ve made it worse.” Cas said as he reached two fingers towards Dean’s forehead. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

“What are you….no, Cas! You don’t have to do this!” Dean begged. “We can figure this out. Don’t shut me out again, please....!"

Dean abruptly stopped talking as Cas’ fingers made contact with his forehead. But, instead of his usual firm touch, Cas lightly brushed his fingers across Dean’s skin.

Cas’ grace flowed through Dean’s consciousness, calming him and making him forget his dream. At the same time Cas felt his own consciousness fading. In a few seconds Dean would be awake and would remember nothing.

Cas wondered if the same would happen to him….

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It felt comfortable.  It felt right.  Even though there was also a feeling of disquiet, as if all wasn’t as it should be, it still felt like he belonged.

These thoughts were hovering at the edge of his consciousness as he woke up.

From the moment she'd found him and taken him in, he'd started dreaming.

He never remembered the dreams themselves but, upon waking, he always felt as if he should be somewhere else, be with someone else.

But he’d just assumed he felt that way because he had no memory of who he used to be.

But this dream, this dream was different.

He had no clear memory of it, like all the others, but the emotions this one invoked seemed so real.

It was as if someone was calling out to him, someone from his past, someone who needed him….

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean awoke slowly. He stretched his arms above his head and yawned. Even with the cast on his leg, he felt quite rested. Dean couldn’t remember the last time he woke up and felt like he had actually slept. He lay there with his eyes closed for a few moments, relishing the sensation.

After about a minute, Dean realised that he didn’t feel completely at ease. Something wasn’t right. Dean wondered vaguely if he’d had a dream he couldn’t remember and that's what was making him feel edgy. But he quickly dismissed the thought. Why would a dream make him anxious?

As Dean pulled himself into a sitting position on the couch, he suddenly realised what was bothering him.

Dean was alone. Sam was no longer in the cabin with him.

As Dean looked around, he saw a note sitting on the coffee table. He picked it up and read it.

_Back in a few days._

_I’m fine._

_Sam_

“Son of a bitch!” Dean grabbed his phone and called Bobby.

“Other shoe!” he shouted as Bobby picked up….


End file.
